But That's Just Wrong!

Do you have a pet peeve when it comes to watching TV? That one little thing that winds you up really badly but you don't like to tell people about it because it makes you sound really petty?

I do.

Before we start, let me share with you a tweet from a spoof account that I follow on twitter, because it perfectly encapsulates what I'm talking about;

Do you see the problem? If you remove the 'of course' from the end of that tweet, you have weapons grade geek bait; leave the 'of course' on the end and you're drawing too much attention to the punchline; you're advertising that it's a joke. Remove those last two words, and it's a massively better joke.

Now, that's a joke tweet from a spoof twitter account. What has it got to do with television shows, I hear you cry. Well, I'll tell you.

Television shows are written, by and large, by professional writers. Networks tend to insist on it, sadly. Most of the time, they even expect a certain level of talent to go along with the business card, unless you're Tony Blake & Paul Jackson, or Chris Chibnall, in which case the incriminating photo's are enough. But if you're a professional writer with a modicum of talent, shouldn't you be able to recognise when a line just sounds wrong?

The most recent example of this, and the one that prompted me to write this post; you were gonna get a bit on Da Vinci's Demons, but you'll have to wait until next week for that now; was the 'The Originals' episode of The Vampire Diaries. (Don't worry, this isn't going to be a rant about the continued neutering of Klaus' character; I got that off my chest on twitter.) No, it's about the final scene, between Elena, Stefan and Damon.

Picture the scene. Elena is being held captive by the brothers. They enter her cell with the intention of torturing her. She knows what's coming, and greets them with the following line.

"Go ahead. Let's see who breaks first. Me...or you."

Couldn't find a relevant screenshot so you're just getting Nina Dobrev looking all smouldering and shit.

That line just made me want to scream at the television. 'Let's see who breaks first' is a challenge. It makes her seem confident and strong. The 'Me...or you' bit at the end was completely unnecessary and if anything it weakens the line by beating you over the head with her point. Why do it? It doesn't sound natural coming out of the actresses mouth, and it doesn't give the ending any more of a dramatic punch. It just sounds wrong.

Of course, I said that was the most recent, but it's far from the only example that springs immediately to mind. Take the Spartacus: Vengeance finale, for example. Season villain Glaber is having his climactic fight with our main man Spartacus; Spartacus has him beat, and he knows it, so he spits out a desperate...

"I will not die, at the hands of a fucking slave!"

The obvious retort from Spartacus of course, is...

"I am not a slave!"

See? Makes perfect sense, doesn't it? It was so obvious in fact that I said it before the actor did, so certain was I that that was the line that was coming. It's a perfect, punch the air, hero triumphant moment that sounds right.

So of course he didn't say it. He said this...

"I am a free man."

Exactly the same meaning. Shouldn't matter. But it does, because the line they went with  just sounds wrong. (I found it so troubling that I actually told the TV, out loud, that it was wrong and had to rewind to convince myself that they really had botched it so spectacularly.)

There are a million of them. I could bore you with them all day, but I won't. I'll just do a couple more; both from the Whoniverse, because while they are quite far back in the distant past; Tennant was still stinking up the show, for heavens sake, that's how long ago they're from; they stick with me to this day as being really horrible, annoying lines.

The first is from The Master. He's giving his speech about the country being in a bad way. You know the one, it ends on the 'what this country needs, is a Doctor' line. That is a good line. A really good line. It's zingy enough to lead into the titles with an appropriate flourish, whilst at the same time serving the plot by letting us know that The Master is calling out the Doctor. Perfect.

'This country needs medicine' - A Tit.

Except, to get to it we have to listen to the rest of the speech. It's patently obvious that RTD knew were he was going with the speech, knew what the punchline was, and didn't give a toss how he got there. 'This country needs medicine' indeed! Is that a phrase that anyone has ever said ever that wasn't a two year old at the time? That one line, in all it's infantile lack of glory, ruins an otherwise serviceable speech. It just sounds wrong.

The medicine line is a glaring example of something that worked fine as a first draft placeholder, but should have been excised and/or replaced before they ever switched on a camera. Which is convenient for me, because so is the next line that I'm going to tell you about.

Torchwood is the culprit this time, and would you believe it, it's good old Chris Chibnall who provides it. The episode is Countrycide, the culprit is psycho daddy dude, and the line is...

"Because it made me happy."

Fuck Off

It's meant to be chillingly banal, a reminder that sometimes ordinary humans can be far more scary than any monster or alien. It's not that, though; it's rubbish.

I'm not saying that a villain who did terrifying things just because he felt like it is a bad idea. There's nothing wrong with it at all, as concepts go. But just say that line to yourself; doesn't sound right does it?

"Because I liked it."

Exact same meaning. Shouldn't matter, but it does. Because the line they went with just sounds wrong.

I'm not a writer; I'd like to be, and if I ever win the lottery you can expect my atrocious vanity projects to be clogging up the interwebs; but then again I've never been behind the wheel and I still recognise reckless driving when I see it. So if I can see, or rather hear that these lines don't work, then why can't these so called talented professionals (and Chris Chibnall)?  Come on Telly bosses! Sort it out!

There you are. My pet peeve about the telly. I told you it made me sound really petty, didn't I?

Come back next week when I'll attempt; and probably fail; to express why Da Vinci's Demons is hard for me to watch, despite being objectively a very good show.

How does it all end?

I'll admit it, I have been watching season 6 of Lost, via the computer screen, courtesy of Megavideo. Yes, I am aware that I'm probably committing all sorts of terrible online piracy crimes and yes, maybe even a netiquette faux pas for admitting it but the fact is, I have every intention of purchasing the box set when it comes out. I'm too much of a fanboy not to. I look at these streaming viewings, not downloads you'll note, nothing permanent, as advance screenings, if you will.

RIP

You have to look at it from my point of view. I don't have Sky, and since Lost is now exclusive to said network I have no chance to see the shows in any kind of timely fashion. It wasn't so bad when they just bought first run rights and let the terrestrials have a go afterwards but these days even that concession is denied us. So I watch online. Most shows I don't. Most shows I do my civic duty and wait for the discs, or the inevitable Sky 3 early morning wallpaper repeats that I can get through the freeview box, or I just don't watch at all until years down the line when everyone has moved on and no-one cares about the exclusive rights anymore and it starts to appear here there and everywhere in all sorts of obscure corners of the schedules.

Evangeline Lily - Kate, Kate, Kate

You can't do that with Lost though can you? I mean you can, of course you can, but you'd be a muppet. The show thrived on unanswered questions. It encouraged the kind of fan debate that is second only to Doctor Who or the X-Files at it's peak. Which means that unless you stick your head in the sand, preferably whilst hiding under a big rock, in a cave, you have zero chance of avoiding spoilers. And this is one show where you really, really, don't want to have stuff spoiled. Already I know that Jack dies in the closing moments of the show. Okay, not too bad, since I don't know the manner of his death or the circumstances leading up to it but still...

Lost spoilers are no longer even considered spoilers anymore, are they? It's been long enough now that people are talking about the show quite freely, secure in the knowledge that anyone interested will have already seen the episodes. Go on the web now and spoilerific discussion abounds in forum threads that are not spoiler tagged and in many cases have nothing to do with Lost. It's almost like references to the show have become part of the geek vocabulary. To be honest, I reckon I've been pretty lucky to get away with staying relatively unspoiled for as long as I have.

Emilie de Ravin - Claire, Claire, Claire

So I decided to head to the web and get it out of the way as quickly as possible. Which I have been doing at a nice old clip. The episodes have rolled by, questions have been answered, characters have been culled and now, today, I get to the point that I have only one episode left to watch. The End II. The last chapter in a truly epic story and my final hurdle in finally being able to embrace the conversation.

"This video has been removed due to infringement issues"

Fuck. Just the finale mind, none of the previous episodes. Are they just toying with people now? "Let them see the buildup then leave the fuckers hanging, that'll teach them."

Terry O'Quinn - Locke, Locke, Locke

Someone definitely has it in for me when it comes to this show.


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