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Sunday, 19 October 2014

A massively insightful commentary on the history of Doctor Who. Hahahaha, not really.

Fandom is a funny old thing, with Doctor Who fandom being funnier than most. And I'm not just talking about fans of the modern era.

As an example, it used ti be a commonly accepted fact of life that The War Games was a bit rubbish. As anyone who has seen The War Games; and possesses even a modicum of taste; will attest, The War Games is, in point of fact, a stone classic. Fandom, see. Can't be trusted.

There's another little piece of received wisdom about classic Who that has not, unlike the War Games nonsense, been re-examined and corrected in recent years. Indeed, it keeps being trotted out, time and again, whenever anyone wants to attempt to explain what they see as the relative flaws of the era in question. And that piece of received wisdom is...

Actually, I'm not going to tell you. Yet. Instead, I'm going to go on a little trip down memory lane and I want you to see if you can figure out what you think I might have a bee in my bonnet about this week. Go on, I dares ya. Just to warn you though, it's going to be a long one.

Doctor Who launched in 1963. We all know this. It's opening episode introduced us to what would turn out to be the first of many TARDIS crews; The First Doctor, played, in a somewhat bewilderingly aggressive manner to those who came to the show later, by William Hartnell; schoolteachers Ian and Barbara, whom the Doctor kidnapped (see aforementioned aggressive nature); and Susan. The less said about Susan the better.

The original awesome crew. And Susan.
This crew was a surprisingly durable one, surviving intact for a whopping 50 episodes, before episode 51 saw the first regular character departure. It was Susan, and The Doctor basically just stranded her in a post apocalyptic wasteground with a bloke she'd known for all of a couple of days. Because The Doctor hated Susan as much as everyone else did.

We weren't down to three characters for long though, because the very next week saw the introduction of Vicki. Vicki was everything that Susan wasn't, and everyone loved her. Unfortunately, their love for Vicki wasn't enough to keep Ian and Barbara aboard the TARDIS once they got a chance to return home, and 26 episodes later, that's exactly what happened.

Look at them there. Can't wait to get away.
This would have left The Doctor alone with Vicki, if not for the fact that in that same story, intrepid futuristic space hero Steven had shown up, and tagged along. Hurray!

Aren't I rugged and cool? Yeah.
From there, the changes came thick and fast. Vicki left, and was immediately replaced by Katarina, who promptly died. Sara Kingdom was around for a cup of coffee, before she died too, and Steven started to develop a complex. Then Dodo showed up, and he learned a valuable lesson about being careful what you wish for.

Dodo proved too much for Steven to handle, so he jumped ship next, leaving The Doctor all on his lonesome to deal with the annoying one. Luckily for his burgeoning reputation as Not A Dick, he wasn't forced to leave her stranded somewhere nasty, by the fact that she just decided not to come with him in the very next story, so he picked up sailor Ben and receptionist Polly. Just like that, the three person crew that had become the norm was all present and correct again.

Then the Doctor lay down for a nap and woke up as Patrick Troughton.

Ben was a sailor you know. And Polly put the kettle on a lot.
Shortly after that, Ben and Polly were joined by Jamie, bringing us back up to the original crew quotient of four, then left and were replaced by Victoria, knocking us back to three. Victoria not to be confused with Vicki, who was way better, although Victoria looked incredibly fetching in a posh frock. So there's that.

This iteration of the crew lasted a decent while, but all good things must come to an end, and for this we should be grateful, because sometimes they're replaced by better things. Case in point; Victoria left, and along came Zoe. And Zoe was fab.

That catsuit was very popular, let me tell you.
The Second Doctor, Jamie and Zoe would have many travails together, before eventually being separated by a smug set of pricks known as the Time Lords. I hope they don't show up again.

You'll note that we've had three or four person TARDIS crews at all times until now. For those raised on the modern era of one Doctor/one companion, when putting Rory in the titles was seen as a radical move, this might seem odd, but it was very much just the way it was. Doctor Who was an ensemble show, not a two hander.

It is of course at this point that Doctor The Third shows up. Doctor The Third is brilliant, as evidenced by the fact that he is played by Worzel Gummidge, and you don't get much more brilliant than that, as I think we can all agree. He's also stranded on Earth, with no functioning TARDIS (thank you Time Lord pricks) so the definition of companion/TARDIS crewmember becomes more fluid. Even here though, there is always an ensemble feel.

The Brig! Worzel! Liz! Concentrated brilliance.
The Doctor joins up with UNIT, and works alongside The Brigadier, Liz Shaw, and Sgt. Benton. Later, Liz is replaced by Jo Grant, and Captain Mike Yates becomes a regular presence. Yes, even stranded on Earth, the Doctor has a team around him.

Worzel and Jo Grant. Slightly diluted brilliance.
Once the Doctor gets the TARDIS functioning again, and restarts his travels, it's true that he tends only to take along Jo; rare indeed is the instance of The Brig, Benton or Yates setting foot inside the hallowed console room; so there is the occasional story from this period where you could say that the show had fumbled its way into the two hander format. The Doctor always returned to Earth though, and the UNIT lads were always there to greet him.

Of course, Jo eventually left. She was a very popular character, and her departure may have harmed the show, where it not for the fact that she was replaced by Sarah Jane Smith. I'll say no more. It's Sarah Jane Smith.

A veritable smorgasboard of heroic heroes

And then (I may be simplifying) The Doctor gets a bit cocky, and dies of radiation poisoning.  Cue Tom Baker. At this point, The Brig, Benton, and Sarah Jane are joined in the little UNIT headquarters thingy by Doctor Harry Sullivan. Doctor Harry gets a bad rap, but Doctor Harry is awesome. So there. Indeed The Doctor seemed to think so, because when he does a runner in the TARDIS again, it's Harry he takes along for the ride. And Sarah of course, because you'd be a fool not to.

I'm a prattling fool, but my supporting cast will carry me, so it's all good
So we have The Doctor, Sarah Jane, and Harry, off on a nice bunch of adventures in which they fight a nice variety of monsters for 20 episodes. At which point Harry stays behind and The Doctor and Sarah jet off on their own.

Now the show has fallen into the two hander format. It's season 13. Remember that.

Sarah Jane stuck around for another 30 episodes before doing a bunk, then Doctor Tom had a month on his own, before Leela showed up for 40 episodes, after which we got Romana for 26 episodes, and then the second Romana arrived on the scene.

LEELA! Stop murderising people!
Not even gonna think of a caption for this one. Just look at her!
And then this lady arrived.
It was all go.

A season and a half later, something happened. Adric arrived. Everyone hates Adric, for the most part; although I don't really get it myself, but his main claim to fame in the context of what I'm writing here is not that he is one of the most unpopular companions ever, so much as that he brings to an end the epic run of the show in which the TARDIS crew was only two strong. The epic five year run. Five years out of 18. Just saying.

Not long after Adric showed up, Romana left. I don't think she liked him very much. It was Steven and Dodo all over again. But it was ok, because almost immediately Nyssa and Tegan arrived, bringing the TARDIS crew back up to four. Just like the good old days, it was. I bet the fans of the day were ecstatic. Soon after that, the Fourth Doctor became the Fifth. As was inevitable, if you've been paying attention.

Oh Adric, Adric Adric. If you only knew.
Not long after that Adric came a cropper; turns out all the algebra in the world can't save you from going splat when you crash a big spaceship; but that still left three regulars in the TARDIS. When Turlough showed up, we were back to four, and then Nyssa left, taking us back down to three. It was a rollercoaster ride of emotions for those of us keeping count, I can tell you.

As the Fifth Doctors time came to an end though, the crew began to thin out. Tegan did a bunk when she saw one too many deaths; there's a limit to the amount of violence even an Aussie can stomach, it would seem; and we were down to just the Doctor and Turlough. Unless you count Kamelion, but since I didn't even bother to mention his introduction, and he hadn't appeared since that introduction, we clearly don't.

Oh Fine! Since he was in the next story, I guess he does count after all. My bad. He's brought back purely to die of course, but an appearance is an appearance. Oh, and Turlough leaves as well.

So, does that mean the Doctor is all alone? Of course not. That'd never work. So, as Turlough left, Peri joined, and we were at the start of what breast lovers everywhere refer to as the golden age of Doctor Who.

He doesn't know it yet, but she's about to get him killed
From this point on the remainder of the classic era was entirely a two hander; one Doctor/one companion. Peri stuck around for a while, seeing in the Sixth Doctor, then gave way to Mel, who saw in the Seventh Doctor before leaving to make way for Ace, who saw out the series.

Peri. I liked Peri
Mel. I didn't not like Mel

Ace. I fecking loved Ace
So, let us recap; for roughly a five season run during the Fourth Doctors era, the show was a two hander. Then, for the last 5 or so seasons (the final 3 of which were so short they didn't amount to as many episodes between them as season one had) it was a two hander again. For the entire rest of the run, there were two, or even three companions/regular supporting characters at any given time.

So, have you figured out yet what the bee in my bonnet is? You probably have, haven't you? It's quite simple.

Overcrowded TARDIS.

Overcrowded TARDIS. I keep hearing the phrase over crowded TARDIS, and everytime I hear it I want to scream at whichever person; whose opinions on virtually every other aspect of Doctor Who I probably respect and admire; has spouted it this time. It seems that the received wisdom, never questioned, among fandom is that during the Peter Davison/Fifth Doctor era, the show suffered from an overcrowded TARDIS.

But Davison had, at various times, two or three companions. More than subsequent Doctors, certainly, but a fairly standard number for the show, for the vast majority of it's run prior to this era. So why this constant assertion?

To my mind, it's fairly simple. It's not that there are too many people in the TARDIS, it's that the people in the TARDIS aren't very good. They aren't well written, either as individuals or as a unit. No-one ever complained that the TARDIS was overcrowded in season one because when you have one weak link in a group of four; coughSusancough; you can live with that. Similarly, nobody ever accused the early Fourth Doctor stories of having an overcrowded TARDIS, because the Fourth Doctor, Harry and Sarah played off each other so beautifully.

So maybe the Fifth Doctors era doesn't suffer from having too many characters; maybe it suffers from the dynamics between those characters. Maybe if Adric had been less obnoxious; Tegan less stroppy; Nyssa less wet; Turlough less surly; and they had been allowed, just from time to time, to be friends sharing a great adventure, rather than squabbling brats asking their long suffering babysitter "are we there yet?", the show of that era would...well, it would still have flaws, because which era doesn't? But maybe we would agree that an overcrowded TARDIS isn't one of them.

Told you it was going to be a long one. To be fair, I could probably have made the point in half the time, but where would the fun be in that? Join me here next time when I write about something or other vaguely related to sci-fi on the telly.

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Wherefore art thou, Maddy?

Hello! Is it me you're looking for?

Well look no further, for I am here once again to thrill you with my every utterance about the tellybox. Two weeks in a row, it's practically a record!

Since I made my big comeback last week with a bit of a call back to the very first show I ever talked about on here, I thought that this week I'd continue the nostalgia (trading on past glories) theme, and talk about the show whose post has proven to be more popular than any other in the history of the blog. I speak, of course, of Wolfblood.

(As Wolfblood is ostensibly a childrens show, this will be one of those all too infrequent posts where I refrain from any and all swearing and sexual innuendo. It'll be tough, but in the immortal words of Robert Webb, just grit your teeth, it'll be over soon.)

It's always been hard, I would imagine, to be a TV showrunner with a hit on your hands, suddenly being faced with the loss of your lead character.

 M.A.S.H. lost one half of their main duo after 3 seasons, Stargate: SGI saw a massively popular character walk away after 5; of course he came back, but then others started leaving, and we all know what happened next; and of course the almighty juggernaut that was Cheers had to wave goodbye to it's female lead while at the height of it's popularity. I'm sure some long sleepless nights were had by all in each of those situations.

The writers and producers knuckled down though, and in all 3 of the cases I mentioned, they came up with solutions and their shows not only kept going, but thrived for many more extremely successful seasons. And in each case, the answer was simple; life goes on. People come and people go, but hospitals, super secret military wormhole bases and, er...pubs, keep on going. It's sad for a while, and you miss your mates, but the new guy is cool enough, I guess, so...

These days though, it's going to be harder. These days, you have internet fandom to deal with. These days, you have 'Shippers'. Which means when a character leaves, especially one that is part of a very popular 'ship', you're going to have blowback. You're going to have people who will loudly proclaim that they will never watch again because their favourite characters will now never get married and live happily ever after. Fans have always had these opinions of course, but now, they're organised. And woe betide any showruner who doesn't pay attention.

This year, Wolfblood (jewel in the crown of CBBC's current roster) has been hit with this exact problem. Aimee Kelly; lead character Maddy in the show; is nowhere to be seen.

Where you done gone to, Maddy lass?
(I've done no research whatsoever as to the reasons for her departure. Frankly, that's her business. My interest is in how it affects the show I love.)

So how are they to proceed? Well, life goes on. Maddy and her parents have left, but her fellow Wolfblood (and potential love interest, despite my fervent protestations) Rhydian, played by Bobby Lockwood, recent winner of some Saturday night light entertainment yawn fest or other, and human friends Tom and Shannon (Kedar William-Stirling and Louisa Connelly-Burnham) still have to deal with threats of exposure from their schoolmates; pack Alpha Jana still has to deal with being a teenage girl trying to control a pack of wild wolfbloods, as well as her own powers; and the wider world of curious scientists and opportunistic big business is an ever present, if not always obvious, threat.

Will Tom and Shannon make sure the Wolfblood secret is safe?

Or will these lads learn the truth?
Or maybe this lot?

Or might trouble come from a new direction?
Yeah, they've plenty to be getting on with.

At time of writing, 6 episodes of season 3 have aired, which puts us at roughly the halfway mark of the season. And it has to be said, they've done themselves proud; in large part because they haven't pandered to the vocal minority on the internet who would have you believe that without 'Maddian' (which a commenter on my last wolfblood entry helpfully tells me is the going term) the show can't go on. Well sorry, Maddian fans, but it can. And what's more; don't stone me now; it's even better.

The Season 3 Line Up
The 3rd season is darker; more intense; more intricately plotted. In short, it's more mature. Don't get me wrong, I'm no hater of Aimee Kelly, Maddy, or even, though it pains me to say it, the Maddian concept; well, maybe that last one, but that's just because I want so desperately to see one blooming platonic male/female lead duo on my tellybox. In fact I think the record clearly shows that I had nothing but praise for Kelly, and for the show when she was leading the cast. But in the wake of her departure, life has, yes, gone on without her, and the end result isa superior show.

Could they have made these tonal shifts if the show was still Maddy-centric? Of course. Would they have? That, I don't know. I can hazard a guess though, and based on the fact that much of the new direction has actually spun out of her departure, and the increased prominence of newly promoted lead, Jana... I'd have to say it's unlikely.


Ah yes, Jana. Played by Leona Vaughan, she was introduced in season 2 as, well, someone to get the gang into scrapes now that Rhydian; whose hot headedness had been the main cause of such things in season 1; had calmed down a bit, and she very quickly became a firm favourite. In my house anyway; I can't vouch for anyone else. She must have struck a chord somewhere, because this year, with Kelly gone, Vaughan is right up there, front and centre in the titles, as lead female. Does her introduction, in hindsight, hint that the writers had an inkling Kelly was on her way out? Were they seeding her replacement a year in advance? Who knows? Well, they do, presumably, and it's very possible all the 'proper' fans do too, if it's been talked about in interviews and stuff. I don't read them, so I wouldn't know. Much more fun just to wildly speculate.

So with Lockwood, William-Stirling and Connelly-Burnham not missing a step, Vaughan effortlessly stepping up and killing it with her pivotal arc, the show is in very good shape for the future. And with creator Debbie Moon, and her team of writers of course, having proven that they can weather even the most potentially catastrophic of cast upheavals, it's a future that has the potential to be a very long and interesting one indeed.

Bit of a long one that, wasn't it? It's not my fault, it's the Gods of Making Stuff Up As You Go Along's fault. Blame them.

Join me again next whenever, when I shall be writing about any one of a hundred shows. Will you have heard of the one I choose? Will I like it? Will you care? The answers to these and no other questions, will be right here. 

Sunday, 21 September 2014

Coming Full Circle

Hey, remember when I said I'd be writing on here more often? Course you don't, it was last bloody Christmas.

Moving swiftly on...

It's been a funny old nine months since last I graced you with my presence. Matt Smith vacated the hot seat as sitting Doctor in what was, let's be honest, a decent, if not fantastic episode of Doctor Who; Agents of Shield got renewed for a 2nd season that it probably wouldn't have been renewed for had it not been made by Marvel and aired on a Disney owned station; and CLAIRE HOLT LEFT THE ORIGINALS OH GOD WHY DO BAD THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME WHYYYYY?!?!?!

Oh why hast thou forsaken me?
The biggest thing to happen in television news in the last nine months though, as I'm sure you'll agree when I tell you, is that I finally finished watching all of classic Doctor Who. (Yes, I know the last time I mentioned the big Who-Watch on here I had just finished Season 2. Of 26. It really has been a long time since I posted on here regularly.)

You might think that a show that ran for 26 seasons and a movie would probably be the biggest project the Quest would throw up, but you'd be wrong. There is another show that, while it hasn't quite managed the years yet; although it's still running so anything is possible; has, by virtue of Doctor Who having fairly short runs in later years,far surpassed it in sheer number of episodes.

Long term readers of this blog will remember, maybe, that the first show I ever wrote about on here was Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I talked of the second season, and the way the producers handled the unplanned departure of half the regular cast. It was essentially a cut and paste job from wikipedia, but it was my first time trying to write one of these and I was proud of myself dammit so leave me alone. Sadly, or not, depending on your point of view, I never watched any further. Other shows came along; cooler shows, shows with much more street cred, like Dangermouse and Sabrina the Teenage Witch and, yes, 60's Doctor Who; and poor old Power Rangers were forgotten about.

Until now. You see, my routine is all off kilter, and this just cannot stand. I need a show to fill the gaping void left by Doctor Who in my schedule. And so...

Given it's status as the first show I ever wrote about it seemed right that, if I was going to attempt to get the blog moving again; and I make no promises, because we all know what happens when I do that; then revisiting Power Rangers should be the impetus. Brings things full circle, so to speak. And I'm nothing if not poetical and shit.

So, very soon, I shall be embarking on Season 3 of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Then it'll be Zeo, Turbo, et al, right through the Time Rangers, Space Rangers, Dino Rangers, Jungle Rangers, and a dozen other types of rangers. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't actually genuinely excited.

So I will bid you farewell, dear readers, for this week. And, most likely, this month. Probably this year too, if I'm being honest. Until next time, remember, there's no greater power, than the power of self love. So long as you wash your hands afterward. That's only good manners.

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

I've been watching good stuff. Have you been watching good stuff?

It's been so very long, I'm sorry. It's been so long in fact that for a little while there I was staring at a blank screen, convinced that I had forgotten how to do one of these. Until I remembered that I had never really known how to do it and basically just made shit up as I went. After that, I was flying!

First thing's first, anyone expecting a post about Da Vinci's Demons; since that is what is mentioned in the 'Next Time' bit at the end of the last post... yeah, sorry, no. That was fecking ages ago and I've completely forgotten like 90% of what I was gonna say. Maybe after season 2, eh? If I'm still here. We cool, yo? Awesome.


Just because I haven't been posting on here much of late; or, you know, at all; doesn't mean that I have been idle in my pursuit of the impossible quest. Oh hells no! Many and much is the sci-fi and fantasy that I've been cramming down my eyeholes and for the first time in a long time I'm actually enjoying more than I'm hating. There are some duffers of course; Atlantis springs immediately to mind, and, sickeningly, The Tomorrow People; but for the most part this last year has seen me getting very lucky with what I've watched.

Take Arrow for instance.

It's nonsense, of course it is, but it's enjoyable nonsense that doesn't take itself too seriously (except when it does, but they get that out of their system and move on pretty quickly).

Stephen Amell, or Tom Cruise's little brother as we must call him now that Natasha of House Kingston (she of Unspoiled Podcast, check 'em out) has pointed it out,

acquits himself well enough as the square jawed hero; although where he really shines is when playing the younger, more naive version of his character in flashback; and his bodyguard/friend/sidekick/hilarious pomposity burster Diggle, as played by David Ramsey, is one of my favourite creations of recent televisions seasons.

It's a shame that one of the shining lights of the first season had to be killed off the way they were but new paths are being forged this year and I for one am more than eager to go along for the ride. Especially if they keep Black Canary around.

It's not even about the leather
Then there's Supernatural. With three episodes left of S8; insert now traditional complaint about never quite managing to catch up; I'm going to have to throw my hat in with the minority opinion and say I'm loving this. It's not perfect, but after the (surprisingly) poor Sera Gamble seasons; how did she get it so wrong?; this run has been a real return to (almost) top form.

It's a little frustrating that they haven't managed a total return to the glory days because the niggles are so obvious and so easy to fix (says the layman who's never written a script). Stop having the season arc revolve around Sam and Dean falling out and just let them be brothers for 5 minutes; stop coming up with new and ingenious ways to alienate Castiel; stop trying to make us love Garth by having Dean warm to him...

Can't we all just get along?
I'll leave it there, before I lose myself in a rant. I don't want to bury the fact that I do indeed love the show now, almost as much as I did in the glory years.

And speaking of returning to past glories while inexplicably failing to see the problems that caused the fall from grace in the first place, I give you...

Actually, I give you...

I'm loving The Originals in a way that I haven't loved it's parent show in a very long time. In a way, that makes me all the more wary of the show, because I can already see it traveling down exactly the same path as TVD. The new characters are great, but there are too many of them; there are hardly any humans on the main roster (I count two, if you include the priest and he has cannon fodder written all over him); Klaus, stripped of his God-awful pining over Caroline is chasing another hot blonde within 5 minutes of the pilot starting; the over-used to the point of dramatic uselessness 'daggering' was used to put one of the leads on ice in the fucking pilot...

As I say, I'm enjoying the show. It's bringing back warm and fuzzy memories of when The Vampire Diaries could produce episodes that you actually believed would have some genuine consequences. I just hope that Julie Plec and her team can resist going back to their favourite old tricks time and again.

Oh, and give your greatest assets a chance to shine. Be it Claire Holt on The Originals, or Candice Accola on The Vampire Diaries, this franchise has two awesome female characters played by two fantastic actresses. Let them off the leash, let them be bad ass, and stop burying them under tired old love triangle bullshit.

The future of tv bad assery. If only they'd let her.

So that's what I'm currently watching, and enjoying. (Although you'd be forgiven for thinking I hated them from the tone of this post; I really need to stop moaning) Maybe it was taking a break from writing this blog that has allowed me to view these shows purely for the sake of viewing them, that has allowed me to garner more enjoyment than I had been for a while. If that proves to be the case, I may reconsider the renewed writing schedule I have planned, but for the meantime expect to see lots more of my meandering stream of consciousness waffle on here than has been the case for a while.  You love it!

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

But That's Just Wrong!

Do you have a pet peeve when it comes to watching TV? That one little thing that winds you up really badly but you don't like to tell people about it because it makes you sound really petty?

I do.

Before we start, let me share with you a tweet from a spoof account that I follow on twitter, because it perfectly encapsulates what I'm talking about;

Do you see the problem? If you remove the 'of course' from the end of that tweet, you have weapons grade geek bait; leave the 'of course' on the end and you're drawing too much attention to the punchline; you're advertising that it's a joke. Remove those last two words, and it's a massively better joke.

Now, that's a joke tweet from a spoof twitter account. What has it got to do with television shows, I hear you cry. Well, I'll tell you.

Television shows are written, by and large, by professional writers. Networks tend to insist on it, sadly. Most of the time, they even expect a certain level of talent to go along with the business card, unless you're Tony Blake & Paul Jackson, or Chris Chibnall, in which case the incriminating photo's are enough. But if you're a professional writer with a modicum of talent, shouldn't you be able to recognise when a line just sounds wrong?

The most recent example of this, and the one that prompted me to write this post; you were gonna get a bit on Da Vinci's Demons, but you'll have to wait until next week for that now; was the 'The Originals' episode of The Vampire Diaries. (Don't worry, this isn't going to be a rant about the continued neutering of Klaus' character; I got that off my chest on twitter.) No, it's about the final scene, between Elena, Stefan and Damon.

Picture the scene. Elena is being held captive by the brothers. They enter her cell with the intention of torturing her. She knows what's coming, and greets them with the following line.

"Go ahead. Let's see who breaks first. Me...or you."

Couldn't find a relevant screenshot so you're just getting Nina Dobrev looking all smouldering and shit.
That line just made me want to scream at the television. 'Let's see who breaks first' is a challenge. It makes her seem confident and strong. The 'Me...or you' bit at the end was completely unnecessary and if anything it weakens the line by beating you over the head with her point. Why do it? It doesn't sound natural coming out of the actresses mouth, and it doesn't give the ending any more of a dramatic punch. It just sounds wrong.

Of course, I said that was the most recent, but it's far from the only example that springs immediately to mind. Take the Spartacus: Vengeance finale, for example. Season villain Glaber is having his climactic fight with our main man Spartacus; Spartacus has him beat, and he knows it, so he spits out a desperate...

"I will not die, at the hands of a fucking slave!"
The obvious retort from Spartacus of course, is...

"I am not a slave!"

See? Makes perfect sense, doesn't it? It was so obvious in fact that I said it before the actor did, so certain was I that that was the line that was coming. It's a perfect, punch the air, hero triumphant moment that sounds right.

So of course he didn't say it. He said this...

"I am a free man."

Exactly the same meaning. Shouldn't matter. But it does, because the line they went with  just sounds wrong. (I found it so troubling that I actually told the TV, out loud, that it was wrong and had to rewind to convince myself that they really had botched it so spectacularly.)

There are a million of them. I could bore you with them all day, but I won't. I'll just do a couple more; both from the Whoniverse, because while they are quite far back in the distant past; Tennant was still stinking up the show, for heavens sake, that's how long ago they're from; they stick with me to this day as being really horrible, annoying lines.

The first is from The Master. He's giving his speech about the country being in a bad way. You know the one, it ends on the 'what this country needs, is a Doctor' line. That is a good line. A really good line. It's zingy enough to lead into the titles with an appropriate flourish, whilst at the same time serving the plot by letting us know that The Master is calling out the Doctor. Perfect.

'This country needs medicine' - A Tit.
Except, to get to it we have to listen to the rest of the speech. It's patently obvious that RTD knew were he was going with the speech, knew what the punchline was, and didn't give a toss how he got there. 'This country needs medicine' indeed! Is that a phrase that anyone has ever said ever that wasn't a two year old at the time? That one line, in all it's infantile lack of glory, ruins an otherwise serviceable speech. It just sounds wrong.

The medicine line is a glaring example of something that worked fine as a first draft placeholder, but should have been excised and/or replaced before they ever switched on a camera. Which is convenient for me, because so is the next line that I'm going to tell you about.

Torchwood is the culprit this time, and would you believe it, it's good old Chris Chibnall who provides it. The episode is Countrycide, the culprit is psycho daddy dude, and the line is...

"Because it made me happy."

Fuck Off
It's meant to be chillingly banal, a reminder that sometimes ordinary humans can be far more scary than any monster or alien. It's not that, though; it's rubbish.

I'm not saying that a villain who did terrifying things just because he felt like it is a bad idea. There's nothing wrong with it at all, as concepts go. But just say that line to yourself; doesn't sound right does it?

"Because I liked it."

Exact same meaning. Shouldn't matter, but it does. Because the line they went with just sounds wrong.

I'm not a writer; I'd like to be, and if I ever win the lottery you can expect my atrocious vanity projects to be clogging up the interwebs; but then again I've never been behind the wheel and I still recognise reckless driving when I see it. So if I can see, or rather hear that these lines don't work, then why can't these so called talented professionals (and Chris Chibnall)?  Come on Telly bosses! Sort it out!

There you are. My pet peeve about the telly. I told you it made me sound really petty, didn't I?

Come back next week when I'll attempt; and probably fail; to express why Da Vinci's Demons is hard for me to watch, despite being objectively a very good show.