But That's Just Wrong!

Do you have a pet peeve when it comes to watching TV? That one little thing that winds you up really badly but you don't like to tell people about it because it makes you sound really petty?

I do.

Before we start, let me share with you a tweet from a spoof account that I follow on twitter, because it perfectly encapsulates what I'm talking about;

Do you see the problem? If you remove the 'of course' from the end of that tweet, you have weapons grade geek bait; leave the 'of course' on the end and you're drawing too much attention to the punchline; you're advertising that it's a joke. Remove those last two words, and it's a massively better joke.

Now, that's a joke tweet from a spoof twitter account. What has it got to do with television shows, I hear you cry. Well, I'll tell you.

Television shows are written, by and large, by professional writers. Networks tend to insist on it, sadly. Most of the time, they even expect a certain level of talent to go along with the business card, unless you're Tony Blake & Paul Jackson, or Chris Chibnall, in which case the incriminating photo's are enough. But if you're a professional writer with a modicum of talent, shouldn't you be able to recognise when a line just sounds wrong?

The most recent example of this, and the one that prompted me to write this post; you were gonna get a bit on Da Vinci's Demons, but you'll have to wait until next week for that now; was the 'The Originals' episode of The Vampire Diaries. (Don't worry, this isn't going to be a rant about the continued neutering of Klaus' character; I got that off my chest on twitter.) No, it's about the final scene, between Elena, Stefan and Damon.

Picture the scene. Elena is being held captive by the brothers. They enter her cell with the intention of torturing her. She knows what's coming, and greets them with the following line.

"Go ahead. Let's see who breaks first. Me...or you."

Couldn't find a relevant screenshot so you're just getting Nina Dobrev looking all smouldering and shit.

That line just made me want to scream at the television. 'Let's see who breaks first' is a challenge. It makes her seem confident and strong. The 'Me...or you' bit at the end was completely unnecessary and if anything it weakens the line by beating you over the head with her point. Why do it? It doesn't sound natural coming out of the actresses mouth, and it doesn't give the ending any more of a dramatic punch. It just sounds wrong.

Of course, I said that was the most recent, but it's far from the only example that springs immediately to mind. Take the Spartacus: Vengeance finale, for example. Season villain Glaber is having his climactic fight with our main man Spartacus; Spartacus has him beat, and he knows it, so he spits out a desperate...

"I will not die, at the hands of a fucking slave!"

The obvious retort from Spartacus of course, is...

"I am not a slave!"

See? Makes perfect sense, doesn't it? It was so obvious in fact that I said it before the actor did, so certain was I that that was the line that was coming. It's a perfect, punch the air, hero triumphant moment that sounds right.

So of course he didn't say it. He said this...

"I am a free man."

Exactly the same meaning. Shouldn't matter. But it does, because the line they went with  just sounds wrong. (I found it so troubling that I actually told the TV, out loud, that it was wrong and had to rewind to convince myself that they really had botched it so spectacularly.)

There are a million of them. I could bore you with them all day, but I won't. I'll just do a couple more; both from the Whoniverse, because while they are quite far back in the distant past; Tennant was still stinking up the show, for heavens sake, that's how long ago they're from; they stick with me to this day as being really horrible, annoying lines.

The first is from The Master. He's giving his speech about the country being in a bad way. You know the one, it ends on the 'what this country needs, is a Doctor' line. That is a good line. A really good line. It's zingy enough to lead into the titles with an appropriate flourish, whilst at the same time serving the plot by letting us know that The Master is calling out the Doctor. Perfect.

'This country needs medicine' - A Tit.

Except, to get to it we have to listen to the rest of the speech. It's patently obvious that RTD knew were he was going with the speech, knew what the punchline was, and didn't give a toss how he got there. 'This country needs medicine' indeed! Is that a phrase that anyone has ever said ever that wasn't a two year old at the time? That one line, in all it's infantile lack of glory, ruins an otherwise serviceable speech. It just sounds wrong.

The medicine line is a glaring example of something that worked fine as a first draft placeholder, but should have been excised and/or replaced before they ever switched on a camera. Which is convenient for me, because so is the next line that I'm going to tell you about.

Torchwood is the culprit this time, and would you believe it, it's good old Chris Chibnall who provides it. The episode is Countrycide, the culprit is psycho daddy dude, and the line is...

"Because it made me happy."

Fuck Off

It's meant to be chillingly banal, a reminder that sometimes ordinary humans can be far more scary than any monster or alien. It's not that, though; it's rubbish.

I'm not saying that a villain who did terrifying things just because he felt like it is a bad idea. There's nothing wrong with it at all, as concepts go. But just say that line to yourself; doesn't sound right does it?

"Because I liked it."

Exact same meaning. Shouldn't matter, but it does. Because the line they went with just sounds wrong.

I'm not a writer; I'd like to be, and if I ever win the lottery you can expect my atrocious vanity projects to be clogging up the interwebs; but then again I've never been behind the wheel and I still recognise reckless driving when I see it. So if I can see, or rather hear that these lines don't work, then why can't these so called talented professionals (and Chris Chibnall)?  Come on Telly bosses! Sort it out!

There you are. My pet peeve about the telly. I told you it made me sound really petty, didn't I?

Come back next week when I'll attempt; and probably fail; to express why Da Vinci's Demons is hard for me to watch, despite being objectively a very good show.

WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE DIE?!? Oh, right, thanks.

Playing catch up at the minute, since the blogs haven't been updating lately, so this post may not be quite as topical as I might have liked. Never mind though eh?

 Around this time last year; can it really have been so long?; I posted a two part look at The Vampire Diaries, to coincide with the end of Season 2 on ITV2 and my having read the first series of novels. I wrote on here of how the books and show differed in terms of content, while on the book blog I discussed the; bloody massive; difference in quality. I'd intended to do the same this year, comparing S3 with the second series of novels except, well...

Unlike the first couple of seasons of the TV show, which were surprisingly faithful to the first series of novels, the 3rd season did not, as might have been expected, stick anywhere near the plot of the new books. The TV writers continued down their own path, essentially ignoring the new books existence in all but the most trivial and cosmetic aspects. In fact, the only element of the new books to have entered the show, that I can think of off the top of my head, is the name Sage.

Even here though, the connection is tenuous at best and one has to question why it was even included. In the books, Sage is an ancient vampire of the same ilk as Klaus and described by the ever vacuous Elena as 'a tall blonde hunk of a vampire.' He pays a pivotal role in the story and hints are seeded that he could well prove even more important in future novels. In the show, Sage is just another previously unmentioned vampire with a past connection to one of the Salvatores, destined to appear in a couple of flashbacks then get killed off in a vain attempt to convince us that there is some genuine peril in this town where no-one (important) dies. Oh, and female. That this 'Sage in name only' character is played by the delectable Cassidy Freeman only adds to the tragedy of her quick demise. In my opinion.

Freed from the constraints of trying to be faithful to the books then, does the show soar this year? In a word, no. If anything, it flounders. It wallows in the same turgid soap opera that dragged down so much of S2, whilst introducing yet more unkillable characters to clog up an already overcrowded cast; characters who are supposedly heartless killing machines but who miraculously start exhibiting redeeming features and showing their feelings, 5 minutes after they show up. Whether it be Rebekah falling for Matt, or Klaus pining over Caroline (though who could blame him) it seemed that no character was free of the romance curse.

Now, I know that this has ever been a staple of the show and much of the shows fanbase is comprised of those God-awful 'shippers' who thrive on these ridiculous pairings but a large part of what made the show so good in it's early days was that that stuff was complimented by some good old fashioned bloodthirsty horror. And when no-one is allowed to die, bloodthirsty horror is hard to pull off.

As S3 drew to a close we got some welcome signs that things might finally be moving on. The endless 'can we kill the originals, should we kill the originals, will we kill the originals, can we kill the originals' cycle came to an end with the constant 'they're dead, oh no, hang on, they're not' so called 'twists' finally giving way to what appeared to be some genuine (finally, thank you!) cast culling. I know these guys have their fans, but I for one cheered; if certain characters are back next year I shall be very upset.

                                               Why Won't You Die!!! Oh. Never mind

I hold out a fair degree of hope that S4 might bring something a bit special to the table and properly revitalise the show. Certainly the final scene marks a pretty significant departure for them, assuming we don't get some convoluted cop-out, but it's the little things...

New girl Meredith is an interesting character and if she can avoid falling in love with someone two weeks into the new season she should be good for some 'pragmatic outsider' storylines...

They saw fit to actually make use of Jeremy's power in the run up to the finale so we can maybe hope that they have interesting plans for that...

Rebekah, apart from her 'thing' for Blando Matt, could be interesting although there is a definite risk of her becoming a Caroline clone. For my part, I predict she has ties with Meredith in some wider scheme. Not sure why I think that, but I'll be sure to remind you all of it if I'm proved right...

Tyler is being played as a shifty bugger. I like this. When you think about it, as a hybrid he is probably one of the most powerful supernatural characters on the show, and yet is consistently played as a victim. Now that he is his own man we can hopefully see him begin to own that power a little more...

And of course, my favourite thing they've done; they've made the use of those horrible rings dangerous. Hopefully this means that we won't have to put up with any more of those meaningless 'cliffhangers' were someone dies and we're all supposed to be gobsmacked except everyone knows they'll just wake up again after the ads. It got old reaallly quickly and I'm pleased they've finally addressed it and given themselves an in-story 'out', so they can move away from their use with a bit of dignity.

Stop Being Alive Again!!!! 

So there you have it. Shorn of my page-screen comparison I just went with a random bunch of observations and half formed opinions. Wanna make something of it? I'll be over on the book blog on Friday, moaning about how shit the books were, but until then, that's your whack of me and The Vampire Diaries. Check back here next week, if you like, and I might have posted something about something. Or maybe something about something else. Or maybe nothing at all. Who knows? Not me.

Catsuits, sex and fond farewells.

Righto, little bit of a placeholder, stream of consciousness waffle post this week. You see, I vowed to myself that this was the week that all of my blogs would get back to running on their regular schedule and to that end spent most of the last weekend slaving over a hot laptop to make sure I had someting lined up. Then some of my 'too frequent to be funny anymore' laptop woes (oh for the funds to replace it) struck and the planned post is stuck in limbo for the time being. So instead, you get this rubbish...



I recently spent 4 days(4 DAYS!)completely unable to remember Julie Newmars name. "Who is the hottest Catwoman ever?" was the question posed by one of my pseudo-colleagues. Only one possible answer to a question like that of course but could I Hell pull the name from the pits of my so called memory. It was only when I heard Eartha Kitts name mentioned on the radio later that week (why did that jog my memory?, God knows)that the answer popped into my head. So of course, I promptly blurted it out, to the complete bemusement of everyone in the room at the time (none of whom had been part of the original conversation). Such are the highlights of my life.



Watching The Vampire Diaries recently it occured to me that this show has an incredibly casual approach to teenage sex. They don't agonise over it and when it happens they don't make a big deal and immediately set about 'punishing' the participants. It's refreshing.


Being Human S3 built to a rousing finish. Killing off Herrick, for good this time, was sad, if probably for the best but it was the double bluff, will they/won't they way that Mitchells story ended that really made the episode for me. A cracking finale all round and one that even Russell Tovey couldn't spoil. Although,as I opined on twitter at the time, just think how good that final scene could have been were he not so utterly utterly devoid of any acting ability whatsoever. Just think.

Still, Hooray for Nina surviving.

There you go. Actually, that wasn't too bad was it? Maybe I should make these things up on the spot more often.